Tall Trees

Oh! Jungle of misdirection. Where are you leading me? It's so foggy! I can barely see what's ahead. Could it be a dead end, a surprise or a treasure.

Life is that mist. It's a mystery, a veil that shadows the uncertainty. Empty handedly I journeyed, accompanied by a voided heart. As promised, choices were given, rendering us human. Contemplating to live in the current, to progress, or to backtrack. Compassless, the almost similarity in every perspective, taints the vision ahead, making choices a hard call. The escalating and descending hills, made the distance, seems like an eternity to reach.

But on the contrary, the forest offers serenity and tranquility. Just gazing at the mirrored lake, gains self reflecting and soul searching.

Grow this very tree, if it ever will grow at all, grow as tall as it can be, keep growing. Someday I believe, faith and hope will take over. And the whole plan He arranged for me will make perfect sense.

Juncture

Well.. I want to blog, I mean I love blogging. Its been a while since I left it here. Misses the time when I still used to remember, when I am still chatty and outspoken. At least to the ones that matters. Or at least, the times when I had someone heartily close. I missed the times when I just decided it to be a sad night and it happened as planned. Those times, being emo was like a routine ritual to self remind who I really am. Even though I've embraced the grace of God now, and I don't need to rely on self-induced tears to wick the emptiness away, still I miss my personality as before. In which I promised myself to be, as innocent and naive as I was before, to know that platonic relationship is indeed the most primary love itself. Its almost like it poses the importance as air, water and food. As basic as the necessity to survive. Further in the journey, the ultimatum I had to acknowledge now is indeed, impending. Love remains a phantom that is beyond reach.

All my prayers which came true seems to have a lag. It's true because I can relate to it now. My memories is fading, my ability to remember is deteriorating. I used to pray that I can just forget all my sadness. But now it's becoming more of a burden, a weakness. Like they always say, be careful what you ask for. God, I pray to you now to recover my ability. I know even though I've regained my ability and at my best, you're able to remain my humbleness. It's troublesome, my anxiety, my lacking, my inability to perform. It's like I've been caged, prevented from my true capability. I can see what I can do, but this impenetrable glass wall is keeping me from it. My dear beholders, you see, I want to keep going, you want me to keep going. It's not that I want you to leave disappointed, but I'm seriously lacking.

Only the truth can set me free. And the truth is my treasure. It is not earth bound. For where my treasure is, there will my heart be also.

Summer Bossanova

Gawd, tomorrow is my exam, I'm so screwed, I really hope I dun get nervous and flop everything. Anyway, here's the lyrics to the song that I wrote. Hope yall like it. Chao..

Summer Bossanova

Have you noticed?
Clouds actually appears every morning without fail,
when you thought the night before,
the skies were empty and all the stars seems
so far away.
Even once when the sun was glaring at my face,
it reminds me of your smile.
when i was down in my life.
the breeze came to brush my skin
it seems like u've somehow send
the winds to embrace me.

Gentle sound of the waves reminds me of that
first gift, a mixtape you once present me.
I wont forget the days of laughter and the
trips we took, eventhough when it's raining,
we danced till it all ends.

You've sent me a song,suddenly,
about everything you and I used to love.
Like bossanova, like the smoothest jazz, something
that sings like a July's Lemonade.
Oh~ a love song, worthy of remininsce.
There is nothing more soothing than your gift.
I would give up anything to go on a trip themed with
this song.
If it was afterall just a movie, it'll always be our theme.

Everything you love, i learn to love it.
Everytime you go, i'll stay, water the seeds that have been sold. One day this tree, will mark our existence here.
Well it's okay if you're not around, I'm fine, I understand.

Quotes quotes quoting..

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal
Sometimes you can't always see
The pain someone feels.

Even the greatest bridges fall under the right pressure.

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for
words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

When I look in your eyes, I see the wisdom of the world in your eyes
I see the sadness of a thousand goodbyes.

The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.

When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

Love can sometimes be magic.
But magic... is always just an illusion.

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.

Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.

Ever notice that even the worst bastards have friends?

Sometimes I feel like the city is sucking away at my soul.

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

I can breathe and I can move, but I'm not alive because I took that poison, and nothing can save me.

I laugh, I smile, and I take Prozac

Once upon a time of peace.

So my heart is made out of slow bossanova music. Always replaying the mood of lost memories, memories and experience that I miss and wish to relive it again. Have to admit, sometimes I just miss it so much that one tears suddenly just flow down and I have to faster wipe it off feeling surprised that it actually felt so deep inside. It keeps reminding me of the peaceful times. When things are getting fun and noisy which most of the time I wish to get in to, and then when it's happening, I tend to wish that I have quieter times and need to be alone. The worst part is the aftermath of happiness. Fragments of memories keep popping on and off. Then I ponder, should I always enjoy myself to the max and then will find out that I am actually sad when I come to know that everything has an ending. Really miss feeling satisfied and contented with the things I once had. Felt so numb. Miss the warmth. Right now, I would just want to hug my memories and go to dream world. Only there, I would find comfortable peace. And then.. wake up.. sucks. Unreality over reality.

A Big Miss

Who and why am I writing this for? No bloody reason and direction at all. Sometimes we meet the people that leaves a deep impression. Be it even if it's a day or two. Does time really matter? Only when it seems right, when it could just happen over the next step, halt! hold for a while. Start hesitating for the unwillingness to risk it, risk the future, the influence of other people. Can you put down all that you have now and walk the road ahead with no assurance at all. Are you good enough, now that is the main question, but what if the other person doesn't mind at all. But not everybody has the same mind, or should I say it's mostly rare. What if it fails, then there's no plan B to cover up at all. Sigh, the ugly reality, I wonder why time keeps going forward, and doesn't even give u enough time to change or even think over it carefully for another moment. Our experiences always come late by a step. Because of this bloody lag, we lost lots of opportunities to make up to things. Why are we not clairvoyance? Why can't we have the ability to see further or even predict the future. Why live a life full of excitement and disappointment that leave so painful mark in our memories. Brothers and sisters living on the same planet, are you as tired as me? I just hope one day everything will be okay, and we will all be happy and walk in our own line of happiness where everything is happy, like heaven, I hope heaven feels like this. I hope by then everyone will have the same contentment and satisfaction. Be true to love. I hope everything will at least go the way I want. I'm not greedy, but I'm just selfish. If everything is enough for each one, if everything is made destined to be a pair. Then selfish won't exists at all. If everything is good, why would any reason I want to be bad at all. Then it's just good karma all the way. God's anticipation game sucks. God bless us.

BE THANKFUL

FOR THE WIFE
who says it's instant noodle tonight,
because she is home with me,
and not out with someone else.

FOR THE HUSBAND
who is on the sofa being a couch potato,
because he is home with me
and not out at bars.

FOR THE TEENAGER
who is complaining about doing dishes
because it means she or he is at home,
not loitering.

FOR ALL THE NAGGING MADE BY MY BOSS
because it means I am employed

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
because it means I have enough to eat.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
because it means I am out in the sunshine.

FOR A GARDEN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
because it means I have a home.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND
AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
because it means I am capable of walking
and I have been blessed with transportation.

FOR MY HUGE UTILITIES BILL
because it means I lived comfortably.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
because it means I can hear.

FOR THE FILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
because it means I have clothes to wear.

FOR THE WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
because it means I have been capable of working hard.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
because it means I am alive.

FOR ALL OF THIS, BE THANKFUL

Point of Departure

People come and people go. Sooner or later, one will realize that after all of his life pursuing what he believes, his dream, only to know that we, afterall just has no control over any happenings or situation. What we can control is actually just a small area in the whole gigantic area. We can change, but how would our changes affect anything or how can we know that our changes can affect the thing that we want to affect. What can one person in this world do to make a difference. Why can't we reach the things that we want so badly? Until some even gave up believing in dreams, and just let it be. Then we accept our weaknesses and limitations.

Vanity, all is vanity. Living life without a reason, satisfaction or contempt. Humans are insatiable, so how to be satisfied? For every differences among us, we have at least a requirement, a basic need of differences in level we desire. It is how we're brought up, what kind of personality have we become over our experience. I believe there are people who have been lucky and do their homework to keep up with what they want to have. These people are satisfied. These people are made to be satisfied. It is a talent or a gift. Why can't I keep something, it is because I'm not talented enough to do so. And another factor that the person doesn't acknowledge or understand that I am what I am. Or it is not the right time nor the right situation for things to happen. Shit happens, and it is what makes every human vulnerable.

I see them, whether dreams, people, objects.. juz walk away or even sometimes dissapear. Nowhere to be seen, leaving only painful tracks of memories and regrets. In the end, how strong one person try to be, we will end up reflecting the surfacing of our weaknesses. And only by acknowledging our weakness and moving along it, people say that we're getting stronger. But the real fact is that we can't do anything about it.

If only unity can be forseen. No hands would be left cold and shaking alone. Nothing will be lost or stole. Everything will go so well, then everyone would be happy and satisfied.

"Blessed are those who sees beautiful things in humble places where other sees nothing."

Tonight I notice the beautiful full moon in the dark sky as I was driving home. I hope someone would appreciate it too. Wherever we are, whatever we are, even if we can't embrace unity in this physical world, be comforted, that there is one place in yourself that you can find that haven, in your heart, your mind, and in your memories.

Be like anyone else, put your mask back on or whatever, but sometimes, just appreciate the beautiful view that will suddenly appear or pass you by, because u have to realize that days like these, may not last forever.

I missed out alot of things, I miss someone too, I miss a hell lots of people that have been missing me also. I hope dreams can be a reality without judging its weakness. Who say I don't love, I love~

Be Humble Be Wise

"Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil out of, which 'thanks' naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks how he gets as much as he deserves. "

If a person is great, he is great. Don't need to boast about himself, and look down on people which he thinks is worthless to him. Real great, because he think that he can be proud, because his nose is real high up the sky, because he thinks that all given blessings can't be taken away or be surpassed. Every happiness doesn't last forever, and one day, even the strongest man would need someone's help. If a person is great yet he is humble, then really this man is a blessed person and are respected by others. The power to be humble. It is not easy to be when you are at a certain higher status. The richer a person, the harder to be humble. Once a quote "let us be humble, let us think that the truth and future may not entirely be with us."

Lately, I've met two person that I always knew who are making a progress in their life. One brags and look down on people, and another one encourages someone with his humbleness. I used the same approach in conversation, one just give you the "high nose" look, and another mentions "to be successful, being humble comes first". You know the feeling, when that someone pisses you off and just the right time, someone help you to vent it. Happened to me. I was really encourage when I see the differences between the worst lousiest person and then a humble person.

Conceited people. They are not only wearing a mask, these people naturally have spikes and thorns all over their body. Does sarcasm rings a bell, do you think that it is funny? I think for some people who can't accept it, their pride is assaulted. Sarcasm is an intention to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule. Come on, who are you to hurt people pride that way. Especially if their innocent.

"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

Be humble! and realize that being humble is being a so much of a greater person that you are! I would feel more appreciation and surprise when I found out that u're such a talented person instead of you bragging it when I didn't ask. Everyone knows how to differentiate the difference between sharing your joy and bragging bout it. If you have something you're happy to share the good news too, by all mean, be humble about it, encourage another person. If it's possible lend them some advice and a helping hand if required. And always respect a person and don't vent your nonsense on an innocent person. Who knows, one day you might need them.

Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places when others see nothing.

Reflections from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"We were meant to lose people. How else would we know how important they are to us?"..


At first I was interested in this movie when I first find out about it, then >( i was wet blanketed by my colleague saying that the movie is really bad.. then he physco me to go watch Valkyrie and I did. *Yawn*.. Normal lah! Valkyrie, the suspense and climax doesn't impress me much. 2 Days ago, I went to watch the CCBB (Curios Case of Benjamin Button). So long to type juz abbreviate it only lah. This movie really gave me a good impression. Was a lil moody after the movie, was pondering about life. I always had this concept that I should live and make choices in life based on thoughts like "would I look back and regret it when I'm old?". So I don't want to regret nor can I avoid feeling regret in future. Afterall, we're human and we make unavoidable mistakes even though we try our best. You can't see urself, u're not 24 hours in front of a mirror, sometimes u just do things and you hurt another person out of your knowing.

"Benjamin : I was thinking how nothing last, and what a shame that is."

U see, one day, sooner or later we'll become old and old is just not old, you see an old person around everyday, but have you ever thought of how they felt, aren't you even curious wanting to ponder how does ur mindset and thoughts goes when u're old. The greatest battle is learning to accept the end of your life. When everything you ever knew will just dissapear from ur sight, and after u left for the other world, impression and ur existence will slowly fade over time in the thoughts of people. Sad isn't it. Vibrations of memory and feeling has it's decaying time as well. We're all taking it for granted, we're living life everyday thinking as if we would live forever. It is the biggest lie in life. Then only when you become old, u feel regret and unsatisfied. Like "it could have been" or "if only". Very sad words to say. I mean..Why waste it, every moment of seconds itself, is an opportunity life gives you. You can choose to waste it, throw it away or embrace it. Some people would expect nothing out of life, but I would say to them that they deserve much more than what they are. To live a life of purpose is to live a complete and perfect life. Who wants to feel useless. Every individual is an important person itself, and if I'm God, I would care for every single person on earth like we both exists only. So keep encouraging yourself.

"Daisy : Some thing lasts."

Benjamin Button is a fictional character which born an old man and die as a baby. In another word, a person living against time. How would you feel to see everyone getting older and you're getting younger. It's a total change of experience to ponder about.
It's a long movie, 2 hours plus i guess.. sit until backside also pain. But worth it, i like the pace and mood of it. Reminds me of movie like Meet Joe Black. =)

QUOTES from the movie

“We’re all going the same way. We’re just taking different roads to get there, that’s all. You’re on your own road.”

“You got to do what you’re meant to do.”

“It’s not about how well you play. It’s how you feel about what you’re playing.”

“Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.”

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You can swear and curse the fates. But when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”

“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be.”

“There’s something peaceful, even comforting, knowing the people you love are asleep in their beds where nothing can harm them.”

“It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed is you.”

“Life can only be understood looking backward. It must be lived forward.”

“You never know what’s coming for you.”

“It has no time limit. You can start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best of it or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. And if you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. So let's talk about love a little. Even though I'm single now but what the hell, who want's to listen to my boring part of the story again right? So here goes.

As I'm visualizing myself into the relationship that I have assuming I'm in one now, and there goes, the person I love right in front of me. The first thing I would be saying when my feeling is idle now, not clouded by obsession and maybe honestly still a lil' bit of heartache, and also having realizing the fact of having and losing someone, I would be saying nothing to nothing, absolutely speechless. Enjoy the moment and sight for a while first, then ponder over it. Ponder, if this is a dream, and you wake up only to find out that u're in a sad and lonely world alone. Doesn't this gives u more clarity on what and where you're standing on now? It is quoted, "cherish it like you know you'll lose it". Happiness doesn't always come so easily, so learn to realize that while you're still in it, review over yourself to see if there are any reasonable spaces that can be improve.

Relationship would be classify in 3 types, the type that is just to get over with it and like it matters much and can't be bothered, the type that has not much choice already and I have to get one real soon, and the type that is the true love of your life. And do you agree with me most of it end up with the 1st 2 type or you're definitely disagreeing with me because you're in the 3rd type. Then I say to you, keep it up, since you're lucky enough, so don't take it for granted for when you let the good in, you'll also have to accept the bad and let it in. Nobody is perfect, sincerity and proving love takes time, give it the benefit of the doubt to wait and if it doesn't happen, ask yourself first that are you worthy of judging it or you won't regret the future. Always try to make up then break up, always try to fix what is broken and give chance to a repentance. It is always not too late, don't limit your mindset. Humans greatest weakness, shortsightedness, do not be a victim of this.

So I think to myself first before I contact the other person. First of all, what is love? How does all this have to begin with all the wonders of the world and ends with just a decision to give up everything you have ever dream for. Don't blame anybody if you love them, blame yourself, do not take the speck out of your brothers eye for there is a plank in your own eye. Blame yourself for not having the ability to judge, to choose and to realize.

Love is wonderful, and love is what drives us to survive and to protect. Love is what makes us perform very courageous acts and even meaningless sacrifice. Love gives, takes and even bites like a crocodile! haha! okay.. have fun ya'll. Happy Valentine's Day, there are bout 3 days in a year that is very important to me and one of it is this day. Don't kiamsiap k, guys buy that 99 roses or economy way fold 99x99 paper stars, cheesy, but it works. =D Don't need to think so much, just say what your heart feels. Wish you love and wish me luck!

The Ending

Everything has to end.

Have you wonder, why everything has to end. Whether it is the end of a fun holiday where you get to meet all your families once a year, your bestfriend migrating to another place, your beloved pet dog which dies of old age, the end of your once in a life chance, the death of your beloved grandparents, the end of a wonderful relationship due to in-differences or mistakes that can't be forgiven, your own life has reached it's peak and u're breathing your last few seconds. Tell me, what is the difference the way you feel at each corner of your life and how I feel?

If you ask me why everything has to end, I would have to say that the culpirit is time. Your life is like blank square papers given at the time of your birth. Everytime the clock is ticking, your happenings are written and is thrown to to back while the paper burns off itself. Every moment is judged by time itself, whether it is a good or a bad moment, it still dissapears itself and become something that is known as memories. Good memories, bad memories, these are only the things that you can't turn back to undo. How sad is ones life in these hands of time, the cruel reality. Should we rather dwell in dreams, or just fight the battle to be as normal as possible like anyone else to ignore these delicate understandings of nature.

As it is written even in the Holy Bible and quoted by Gautama Buddha itself that life is afterall "short and miserable". When everything ends, do you feel sad? Have you felt that it could be better? Have your feelings reached the person? Have your dreams come true?

Our decisions and minds are the key of a time machine. It is important to know that it is not too late to change things. Change the presence and re-live the past as the future. It is possible to see familiar things again. Only with the agreement of mutual understanding and acceptance of the same ideas. It is never too late to bring out those old yellow lost love letters than u have kept rusty and dusty deep down inside your hearts.

Experience is the past, and that's where the root of who and what u are now, dwells. Reconsider your options, would you move along, or sacrifice for whatever that it is worth. Most important, is that you don't want to hurt something that once u know so precious to you.

The Right Decision (Heartbroken)

Have you thought it over? Things that you worry about? Do you think what conclusion and solution that you came out with is the right thing to do? What if I tell you that it is wrong? Does it makes a difference? I mean who am I right to tell you what to do? I bet you know best how stubborn you are not willing to accept other peoples opinion especially the ones that concern them. Admit it, that the decision you make is for yourself only and it is not for the good of mutual benefit and improvement. Why are we all so selfish? What is making up compared to breaking up? What is giving compared to taking? What is warmth compared to cold? So many question even some of them seemed familiar to you but why are you ignoring it now when there was once you asked the same question. If you can't answer all this, you are not worthy of your own decision. Some people really do care for you, if only you climb high enough to see whats over the wall. Nobody is perfect, a person has it's good or bad, when you like the good, you have to let the bad in as well. I'm sure you're impressed by the goodness of a person, but think again, isn't the thing that makes you feel close and equal to the person is the imperfectness of the person. Isn't the imperfectness of a relationship gives it more room to expand. Only by leaping the obstacles together, solving a problems together, giving in to each others weaknesses, and by achieving that only you would be able to stay close to the person, hug her/him and say "we've been thru alot to get here together". Isn't that comforting. Isn't that love. Give it the benefit of the doubt, no one is a God to make absolute decisions. Listen to that person, call them back because I believe some of them seems like moving on, but they are still waiting. And if you're honest enough, I'm sure they'll soften down for you.



Happy Holidays! Happy Chinese New Year! Wish you a peaceful year.

Already Number 27

Was pondering, how the hell did i turn the age of 27 already. Come to think of it, 27, it has been 27 years of experience whether in good or bad, happiness or pain, achievements and mistakes that I make. Flashing back I've had many people who came in to my life who are so amazingly wonderful and also the pain that I have cause them, and cause me.

I've tried so hard training myself musically over the years dreaming to bloom in this aspect that I've chosen. Many times I have discourage myself by the many better talented people than me. Eventhough so, I've keep taking time off to think over it myself and went over it, leaped over it. Like they always say, if you're tired, just rest for a while, then continue the journey, if you're sad, then just cry, then sleep and wake up to a new day. Everything goes on whether you like it or not, you still have to wake up early the next morning to continue your life. So again, what is the point of grieving. Not only I, but we feel discouragingly sad all the time, I once read a beautiful poem, and it is written so, "I finally opened the windows, and the blue skies greeted me, the sun rays warms my cheek."



If everybody stays closed, then everything is closed. If you open your eyes to see the newest possibility that could be, would be and should be, then it'll sure be there. Like I always say, just give it the benefit of the doubt, not every new situation will turn out to be like the last one. A new world is blessed with endless possibility depending on how you root and nurture it.

I've lived a life praying for wisdom, and then I realize that it is not wisdom afterall that will bring happiness but only peace in our heart can. The ability to have peace during storm and the ability to bring peace to another person. "To touch the person in a way that no others can", I'm very familiar with this quote, someone once very dear to me wrote this on a piece of paper to me. Let this be the goal, i would nail this dream in my heart to bring happiness to another person in whatever way I can. Bypass my weaknesses, discard it and keep the process as my guidance to tell anyone that requires this comforting advice.

Today I have failed, put all my heart in faith rather than words or action, and still I have failed. But would I let this discouragement and disappointment devour me? No, being a lonely soul myself, I would not give up so easily, because faith can move mountains and shake the earth, I believe in that. Also this is a good practice for me to be more patient. I am afterall, just a normal person who wish for a happy ending myself.

We only live life once. A life worthwhile is a life lived for not just others, but for yourself and myself also.

A quote I compose for everyone.


Life is about everything you are able to describe.
But what really matters is life in the heart of your beloved,
was, is, and will............................................
always just be Love, Love and Love, and Only Love.

Silent Darkness

I told myself, don't think so much of life, it doesn't bring any happiness at all, it's just our human weaknesses to feel so bad. So just close my eyes of what's happening to me and around me. And play music, just play, dun care if the world collapses, I don't know how to care anymore, because I am only one person, with 2 hands, and those hands are shaking, dying to be appreciated and after I lent it out, turns out to be not fruitful at all. So I'm gonna stop finding the answer why or keep explaining, there are million of reasons out there, but I'm not going to even listen to one. I wanted to say I love you, but I dunno what or who I am loving, so I just remain silent. It's just overwhelmingly confusing, this life, it is full of vanity. Eventhough, I am willing to accept, but does it makes a difference at all? Can I at least say one thing? Can I just tell you, that it is unbearable, this pain some of us felt, this pain that hurts so much to tell them something that is so true. Why every beginning of the day is with light and ends with darkness? I rather have it the other way.

Say it, "It is not so bad afterall!"

Not feeling so good today, guess I really can't control anymore my ups and down moods. So much for master of my own feelings. Juz hope it won't for long and that something good will happen. Well.. my only two cures when I'm down, or worst, depressed are exercising working out or Keith Jarret's music. Exercising creates a type of natural cure for negative feelings. Just imagine, our brains discharges a kind of chemical that somehow stir our feelings. After some time, it'll be a routine that everyday you wake up, you can't accept yourself, you think negative, it'll be something stubborn in your head which is hard to remove. But by working out or consistent physical exercises, the brain naturally creates a liquid called endorphins to tranquilize the brain. Like that you can feel much better and relieved. Trust me it works, that is why sometimes when you're so angry, you feel like hitting someone or punching something, it's juz a natural way of purging negative energy.
I don't know why, but repeatingly playing only Keith Jarret's tracks can somehow make me feel better, I always have it on my car's cd player, playing all day when I start my car. The smooth and jazzy licks and melody, it just quieten down my heart, and it gives me the clarity to think. I would always settle down after hearing 10mins of Keith Jarret by saying, "hey, it's not so bad afterall." Then think positive, think of happy things, think of even the most basic thing I have, family, some true friends, a secure job and keep thinking to improve myself, and it's only by effort to improve myself, that I can move on and be a better person.
Before anything, tell yourself sincerely to accept yourself, to know that it is all worth it what you are doing, trust that one fine day, good things will come and your feeling is able to reach that person or achieve your dream.
So just take the night off, stay at home, off your lights, turn on the aircond to a comfortable temperature, I would recommend 22degrees Celsius. Light some candle around your room, play some Keith Jarret or Yiruma tracks. Sit upright on your bed and lay the cozy comforter on your leg, and ponder for a while all the things that have caused you your complicated feelings, say it positively that it is not so bad and hope things would turn out better, because you can't do anything about it, the only way is to smile and keep moving along, as long as you're still living, even on a very thin line, you're still standing at least. So, take one step at a time, what doesn't kills u only make you stronger. Think about it. Just be yourself, love yourself more. Don't put hope in anything or anybody else, just believe in yourself and God.

Smile!
BIG..
BIGGER...
Yeah, now you look happy..
What's that?
You're sad..?
Too bad.
Just keep smiling..
Smile.. Because you know what love is
Smile.. Because you can breath
Smile.. Because you could swim in the sea
Yeah.. If you had the chance.. Smile
Laugh at the whole world around
And get up with a smile
Smile to everything, even to the ground
Smile to the birds and smile to the sky
And pretend you can fly..
Smile..Because you have friends
Smile..Because you know you have the chance
Smile..Because you have time to smile
~Smile.. Because you can.. ~ So keep Smiling.

Only Resolution for 2009

To avoid complication and diversification of effort, I only decided to have one resolution this year. I think of all kinda things, but one would really make me feel better is to quit smoking. so yeah, Quit Smoking is this year only resolution. I QUIT! MEROKOK MEMBARA PARAH! I QUIT SMOKING! ROKOK TAK NAK! juz started today, so have to really suffer from now onwards. Wish me luck. I can do it.

Goodbye 2008

2008 sucks big time for those shit which happened to me. I'm not saying everything also sucks, but good thing did happen to me and I really enjoyed those times. Been having bad times and good times and towards the end of 2008 I learnt to let go of burden I've been alwiz carrying throughout my life. Learning what's true that should be kept and what's not. Fake and Kind Faces. And learn that I should love myself more than anything else, for this is the most precious thing God have ever gave me. It's a shelter for my own soul. I should be stronger that even when tribulations and storm smash my temple, my fragile and weak soul would still be protected.
So here comes a stranger passer-by, year 2009, i'm trying to welcome it happily but juz 2 days oni, bullshit happens again. But I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt, 2009, hope it'll be a year full of blessings for me. Thank God for everything good and bad, for what doesn't kill me, only make me stronger. I wanna say sorry for all my murmuring and cursing also. Please forgive me and make me stronger this year. =)

At least I have myself.

Some humans are insatiable. People are always not satisfied with what they have to their own extend. Then it turns out to be more pessimistic and negative as we move along our ages. Learning the ugly truth that there is no one you can trust except yourself. Even we have hard time keeping the promises and resolutions we made, how can we expect to believe others. Some to the extend that their friends betray them, some to the extend their loved ones betray them, some worst! the extend that even family betrays them.
It is very sad that we live in this era which every ancient human behavior have thus deceased and formed an equivalent evil good balance in another way. People kill and fight wars in the past, poverty plague lands but I would say, at least there were loyalty, loyalty to the king, trust between friends, cherish the short and dangerous fragile live and times they have as they don't know how long they will live and die. People in the present moments, they never fight wars, most of them live at least in average, survivable economy, noble rich people are everywhere. They were not landlords or kings or anything, but at least people like this have more than they ever needed. Then here comes the part that humans, they take things for granted when everything is provided, when they don't face hard times and difficulty in life. Social wars everyday, everyone's control is just as far as their own. While some is running with their mind not the heart and humanity, while some is fighting their way thru life with these people. Some remains silent, some expresses. But there is no obligations to help these needs because of all our own commitments. We're at war with individuals at this era.
In this war, i've come to learn of a biggest mistake I did, that is over-trusting. Leaving your own life, dreams and future in their caretaking. And you know wat? they just turn you down. There is no such thing as loyalty in this era where every promises made, are definately meant to be forgotten. Why loyalty? Well, just imagine, loyalty is like many smaller rocks forming into a big rock, and when it rolls down the hill, obstacles can't withstand the weight and giant of it and it crushes everything else because of it's power and magnetic attraction of each atom, whereas a tiny single rock gets stuck in even any tiny obstacles. I would say the law of gravity in real life here, is karma, a balance, energy changes from form to form, it doesn't dissapear. When you make someone sad, you are happy or satisfied for that moment, and when the person moves on, then only you realize that you regret it. It's always a cycle and only repeat throughout life.
So far where I am now, i've seen the faces of people around me, the faking of it, the unsincerity and always taking a friend or loved ones for granted. Don't they have pitstops in their life, where they only stop and ponder a little to review themselves between reality and dreams, for improvement at least. Stop a while to think of the people around you, stop a while to think that what is worth holding on to and what is not. Who is your true friend or love, or why they are not? Can you forgive them? Is your trump card, to give a second chance worth giving? Then do it. Sometimes give the benefit of the doubt.
Let love be the guiding force? It's a joke! love only exists when their in needs and is discarded when they don't need it anymore or found a better substitute. Look hey, you can actually replace love, what the hell! Love is a trend, it's not true. What is true love then? Well, as for me, being able to set your mind that it is only the worst that is death that only can seperate the heart from giving up a person you love,that is true love. People laugh and are entertained being told that that someone commited suicide for love. As for me, I cry as much as i feel it myself when one gave all up his/her precious only life, yes! like the one u're seeing thru both your eyes now.. imaninge doing this, die for the stubborn and ignorant person she/he loves. People say these people are stupid,crazy,insane, out of their control. No! I don't think so, i believe even in the afterworld now, they are still looking back to this life and knowing that even after great things he/she tot he/she have done to go beyond her measure to die for the person she/he loves, people still moves on. Yes! they cry and regret but after some time they are forgotten. You see how fucking assholes are these people. Those died are suffering in hell now for their whole eternity, while you smile and enjoy living ur life like u're relieved and dismissed of a great burden. I'm so sorry and I pray for them to rest in peace.
I keep trying to hold on to what I already know because I believe I was born for one destiny and not many. One destiny, one love that sits above all. But I'm trying to give up now, seems like its hard for me to trust anyone anymore. Now all I can say is only "at least I have myself". Time to review myself and brush up on it. It takes time and I'm trying and I will never forget.

Coping with Emptiness

Well, what's happening to me now trying to cope with life and the result recently:- no appetite to eat, can't sleep at night, getting sick all the time, feels like shit and heart alwiz beating very fast, so fast it makes me headache. Skin always feels warm but the air around seems so cold. My ears selects soothing song but it alwiz seems unnapropriate. Everything I do feels weird, even talking to people seems awkward. Sometimes just felt like staying home and do something meaningful but can't do anything at all when i in my room. It supposed to be a sanctuary but looking at the walls that surrounds me feels clausthrophobic and prison-like. Coffee and ciggarettes keeps me company but I feel worst after that like I'm gonna die an even more sad death if i continue to slowly destroy my own body. There is nothing I can do or nowhere I can go, it's a lie when they say the skies, lands and oceans is vast, everywhere I go, i feel suffocated, like there is no space to grow, no space for hope. Work, empty relationship and empty hopes like empty chairs and tables. Cause, effect and result, there is nothing worth looking forward to. Anyway, i know not only i who feels this way, but almost everyone out there,just the difference in expressing.If faith is something to believe when you can't see it, then it is the only thing I can rely on to pull myself out of this abyss. When you're low, u meet another low point, you just go lower, i hope one day, there will be a ladder i can climb back up to heaven. I want to love myself more, laugh a lil, cry a lil, touch a lil, i'm praying that I can do better than this.



When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...


Radiohead - Creep